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freezers_wirWelcome to the Week in Review, where the turkey is brining as we speak.
(Thursday Night) New England Patriots @ Atlanta Falcons
Cordarrelle Patterson was a last-second scratch on Thursday Night. Apparently he took the Falcons’ entire offense with him. And with the Falcon offense MIA, Darth Hoodie and his apprentice, Darth Rolltide¹ were free to play meat grinder, feeding them feet-first into the methodical run/short pass offense and stifling defense.
Goddammit, the Pats really are back, aren’t they?
Arthur Smith’s probably thinking going back to the family business is looking real good right now.²
Pats 25, Falcons 0
Who is looking like the first ‘Bama QB to look like the truth since Ken Stabler, maybe³
In case you forgot (and I know I did), he’s the son of Fred Smith, founder and CEO of FedEx.
And back off, Iggle Nation. Jalen Hurts is a glorified Wildcat back at this point, and you know it.
Indianapolis Colts @ Buffalo Bills
I was today years old when I ran across the phrase “Scoragami”, which is a phrase denoting a final score that has never been seen before.
Apparently this was the second time this season the Colts have pulled that off and it’s the fourth one league-wide.
The Colts were jazzed about it.
I’m betting the Bills - who were on top of the AFC a month ago - weren’t so thrilled. And less so for getting absolutely demolished by Johnathan Taylor, who had 185 yards rushing and 4TDs, plus a fifth receiving.
Buffalo responded to this one-man onslaught with a resounding derp. Josh Allen threw for 209, 2 and 2 and seems to be playing his way out of the MVP race. The run game finally looked like it had some life, when they finally gave up on Devin Singletary and put in Matt Breida (5-51, long of 28). But by the time that happened, the Colts were up by three scores and were clearly in clock-eating mode.
After starting the season 1-4, the Colts have won 5 of their last 6 and are looking like the contender we thought they’d be all along. The Bills have gone 2-3 since starting the year 4-1. Telling Fact: The Bills haven’t beaten a team who had a winning record at the time they beat them. (The Chiefs were 2-2 when the Bills beat them).
Fun Fact: Taylor is the fifth player with 200+ scrimmage yards and 5+ scrimmage touchdowns in a single game in the Super Bowl era, joining Jamaal Charles, Clinton Portis, Shaun Alexander and Jerry Rice.
Johathan Taylor 41, Bills 15
Apparently 45-30 (Week 9 vs. NYJ) hadn’t happened before either.
For those playing along at home, the other two this season were: Week 6 (Rams 38, Giants 11) and Week 7 (Cardinals 31, Texans 5)
Washington Football Team @ Carolina Panthers
It’s either the Ron Rivera¹ Revenge Game or the Cam Newton Revenge Game, depending on your rooting interests.
Newton made his first start of the year and first start with the Panthers since Week 2 of 2019.
Naturally, they lost. Equally naturally, it wasn't really on him. What was supposed to be the league’s top pass defense let Taylor Heinicke hold on to his job for at least another week, throwing for 206 yards and 3 TDs.
Newton threw for 189 and 2, and ran for a third, but the last two Panther drives of the game, with the game still very much in reach, ended with “four plays, turnover on downs” and “six plays, turnover on downs.”
“Thud” indeed.
Newton will probably get his legs under him as the weeks go by, but he and the Panthers are running out of weeks.
And “Fuck Dan Snyder,” because I haven’t been saying that enough this season.
Re-Skins 27, Panthers 21
And Heinicke and K Joey Slye, both also former Panthers.
Baltimore Ravens @ Chicago Bears
Dear Bears Coaching Staff;
When I said you guys were going to get Justin Fields killed, THAT WASN’T A CHALLENGE!
What was supposed to be RB8 vs. the Newest Windy City Hope at QB turned into Tyler Huntley vs. Andy Dalton. Jackson was a last second scratch, due to (non-COVID) illness. Justin Fields was 4 of 11 for 79 yards before getting KO’ed with a rib injury.
And that was all the interesting bits from this game.
Ravens 16, Bears 13
Detroit Lions @ Cleveland Browns
WTF is a “Tim Boyle?”
Oh. Moving on.¹
Browns 13, Lions 10
Jared Goff got hurt in the Steeler game and “couldn’t go”² this week, in case you were wondering.
Read: They wanted to see if Boyle could provide any sort of spark. The answer was a responding “no.”
San Francisco 49ers @ Jacksonville Jaguars.
Thoughts:
Will Urban Meyer quit or be fired?
Do they have the stones to bench Trevor Lawrence for his own good? There is literally nothing to play, he seems to be getting worse as the season progresses and things to look to improve this season.
Will they win another game this season? The Falcons, Jets and Texans are on the schedule, but at this moment, I wouldn’t favor the Jags against any of them.¹
Niners 30, Jaguars 10
Maybe vs. Atlanta, if Patterson can’t go.
Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings
Yo, Vikes? Y’all suck or nah? Make up your damn minds.
Though hanging an L on Narcissus McImimmunized is a check in the plus column, regardless.
Vikings 34, Packers 31
Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets
The battle for the bottom (of the AFC East) proceeded with Tua Tangyvanilla and the Blowholes outlasting the Joe Flacco-led J-E-T-S (SAME OL’ SHIT).
With the win, Miami is still in the expanded playoff hunt. They’ll probably need at least nine wins to get there, but with the Panthers, Giants, Jets and Saints next on the schedule, it might be do-able. They’ll get run in the Wild Card round, no doubt. But getting there with this roster would still be something.
The Jets can take some solace in the fact that Michael Carter and Elijah Moore are turning into legit young weapons.
Everything else sucks Ganggreen dick.
Dolphins 24, Jets 17
New Orleans Saints @ Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have stopped pretending Jalen Hurts is a quarterback, and damn if it isn’t working for them.
Hurts ran for 69 (nice) yards and 3 TDs, while Miles Sanders ran for 94. The Eagles ran for 242 yards on 50(!) carries, as a team, moving the ball at will on what was supposed to be the league’s top run defense.
Trevor Siemian continues to... “Impress” is a strong word... (“Not suck?”) He threw for 214 and three scores, but threw two picks that the Eagles converted into 14 points (including a Pick-Six to Darius Slay)
At 5-6, the Eagles are looking like a slightly stronger version of the Dolphins: Chances of reaching the playoffs: Strong. Chances of doing anything once there: Slim
Eagles 40, Saints 29
Houston Texans @Tennessee Titans
So this is the way it’s gonna be, huh? Every presumed contender this year is just going to eat an L that makes the world go “How the hell did THAT happen?”
Yeah, the lack of King Henry was going to catch up to the Titans eventually, but against the Texans? At home? MAKE. IT. MAKE. SENSE.
Oh. Yeah, that’ll do it.
Texans 22, Titans 13
Cincinnati Bengals @ Las Vegas Raiders
The Bungles had to spend their buy stewing over getting humiliated by their big bros to the northeast. They clearly had some things to work out and worked them out on the Raiders’ faces. The Raiders, in turn, ate their second straight home asswhipping, not hitting the end zone until garbage time in the fourth.
The Bengals worked a combination of Joe Mixon (30-133, 2 TDs), the Joe Burrow short game (20/29 for 148, 1TD) and swarming defense (except for Darren Waller, who had 7 for 115).
Fairly pedestrian, as beatdowns go. Moving on.
Bengals 32, Raiders 13
Dallas Cowboys @ Kansas City Chiefs
Ironically, this is probably the best game the Cowboys have played all season, defensively.
Forcing two turnovers out of Mahomes and limiting them to 19 points (3 in the second half), should be a recipe for a big road win, especially given the Chiefs' iffy defensive play this season. Instead it looked like Derrick Thomas and Neil Smith were suddenly back. They sacked Dak Prescott five times and forced three turnovers. The basically never gave Dak an opportunity to find a rhythm. Coming in without Tyron Smith (ankle) and Amari Cooper (COVID) and losing Ceedee Lamb to the concussion protocol at the half didn't help, to be sure. And those two turnovers? Only yielded six points.
Meanwhile, Mahomes could and did lean on Travis Kelce and Tyreke Hill to move the sticks, at a minimum taking time off the clock and keeping Dallas' game, but tiring defense on the field.
And the most frustrating thing? They seemed to have something going on the ground, but they never stuck to it. Zeke or Tony Pollard would hit a big run, then Dallas would either infuriatingly try to run behind backup guard Connor Williams (who got mauled this game) or simply abandon the ground game and send Dak back to get battered (or miss badly. Or both).
This is two out of three weeks the Cowboys have laid an egg with the world watching. They've got a short week to prepare for the maddeningly inconsistent Raiders. That will be a repeat of the Denver game or a repeat of the Atlanta game. There doesn't seem to be middle ground for this Cowboys team.
Chiefs 19, Micah Parsons 9
Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks
That’s not just Geno Smith in a Russell Wilson jersey, right?
Wilson has been back from his finger injury for two weeks. The offense has not improved.
The Cards started Colt McCoy again. The offense looked just spiffy. (40 minutes possession and 413 total yards).
I’m starting to think I owe Kliff Kingsbury an apology?
And Seattle is really running out of excuses for sucking.
Cardinals 23, Seahawks 13.
(Sunday Night) Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Los Angeles Chargers
Be not proud, O damned spawn of Spanos. T.J. Watt. Minkah Fitzpatrick. Joe Haden. Ben Rapelisberger with anything left in the tank. Any of those guys show up Sunday Night, you guys lose that game.
Hell, you still almost lost with Big Ben reduced to dinking and dunking his way down the field, because his arm is cooked. The play that showed that loud and clear? Second quarter: Roethlisberger hits Chase Claypool on a big pass to the Charger 5. A 37-yard pass Claypool had to stop short and turn around for. Roethlisberger puts enough air on that ball, Claypool walks in. He didn’t, because he can’t. And the Steelers end up turning the ball over on downs.¹
And if any of those three defenders were present, Pittsburgh probably doesn’t feel the need to blitz on Justin Herbert’s game-winning bomb to Mike Williams. Nor do they probably give up 90 yards rushing to Herbert.² Let me run that by you again: It took multiple missing Steeler defenders, a donezo Big Ben and near-career performances from Herbert and Eckler to beat the goddamned Steelers. At home.
A win’s a win in the NFL, but...
Chargers 41, Steelers 37
After 3rd and 4th from the LA 2. Out of the shotgun both times³. (haaaaaaate...)
Really, when Austin Eckler wasn’t gashing them for big runs, Herbert was.
Seriously, do teams just not have “Jumbo” or goal line packages anymore?
(Monday Night) New York Giants @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Welp, the Giants made it interesting for a quarter and a half.
After the Giants tied things up at 10 with a BIG! MAN! TOUCHDOWN!, the rest of the Giant’s possessions went: Punt, fumble, turnover on downs, INT, punt, INT, punt, ToD.
Meanwhile, the Bucs score 20 unanswered, sleepwalk to the win. Drive safely.
I really do need to check out the Manningcast one of these days...
Bucs 30, Giants 10
