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freezers_wirWelcome to the Week in Review. New site, who dis?
(Thursday Night) Baltimore Ravens @ Miami Dolphins
Apparently, no one in this game got the memo that it wasn’t still Week 9.
Much like the Bills, Cowboys and Rams last week, the Ravens looked like crap against what was supposed to be an inferior opponent. The Dolphin defense checked RB8 and crew at every turn. Which was good because the Dolphin offense was “meh” at best. They moved the ball on the Ravens, but got repeatedly bogged down when even approaching the Red Zone, settling for field goals, up until their last drive.¹ That’s when Tua Tangyvanilla, who started the game as the “Break Glass In Case Of” backup QB, scored on a 1-yard sneak².
It helps that Baltimore didn’t score between their first drive (46-yard Justin Tucker kick) and the fourth quarter (5-yard Jackson to Mark Andrews pass).
If you dropped me in from the past and asked me which team was (supposed to be) a championship contender and which one was looking at a top-ten draft pick, I’d have surely gotten it wrong.
And yet, there was an inexplicable intrigue to this game. “So bad, it’s good” as applied to pro football, you might say. Until the fourth quarter, there were more punts than points. There was the WTFery of Jake Brisket going out with a knee injury, seemingly recovering, but being told to have a seat as Tua went in. But if Tua was good to go like that, why wasn’t he starting? And there was the fascinating, but baffling ineffectiveness of the Ravens offense.
And of course: BIG! MAN! TOUCHDOWN (that got called back because he was ineligible)
Dolphins 22, Ravens 10
Their last real drive. Those two kneeldowns to close it out do not count.
Set up by a HORRIBLE blown coverage on an Albert Wilson 64-yard catch-and-run.
Atlanta Falcons @ Dallas Cowboys
And that, folks, is how you rebound from a bad game!
The Falcons never made it past the Dallas 34 after 35-yd Younghee Koo on their opening drive. The Cowboys scored on four of their five first half possessions, plus a blocked punt recovery for a fifth TD. It culminated in a franchise-record 29-pt second quarter.
Matt Ryan had the statistical worst game of his career: 9-of-21 for 117 yards, with two picks, QB rating of 21.9. On the flip side, Dak Prescott rebounded from last week's trainwreck with 296 and 2, plus a third on the ground, before they called off the dogs. Even the injury replacements Dorance Armstrong for Randy Gregory, Lirim Hajrullahu for Legatron) came through with shining colors!
Yeah, I was starting to give Atlanta some real credit. I still do, but this is #DemBoys.
Ain’t much else to say here. Falcons meet woodshed. See you next week.
And Dan Quinn’s vengeance is complete!
Cowboys 43, Falcons 3
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts
I think the Jags might have crossed the threshold from “dogshit” to “respectably bad.”
The question now is with the Colts: Are they “not that good” or “constantly playing down to their opponent?” They jumped out to a 17-0 lead, then had to hang on while Jacksonville punched their way back in and they could only add two more FGs in response.
Jonathan Taylor continues to stake his claim to King Henry’s crown, putting up 21-116 and a score. Which is good, because Carson Wentz continues to underwhelm (22/34 for180, no scores)
Right now, the Jags’ defense is going to keep them from getting run out, but they’re not going to play the Colts every week, either.
Colts 23, Jaguars 17
Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots
The first game of the AO era (After Odell) starts off in the Evil Empire. Without the distraction of OBJ, let’s see what these young Browns can do!
And apparently “What they can do” is “get mollywhopped by Darth Hoodie and his newest apprentice”. They scored the first TD of the game then had 45 unanswered hung on them. The newly emancipated Baker Mayfield was completely outplayed by the rookie Mac Jones, before leaving the game with a knee injury.
How bad was it? People are speculating that the Browns might be better off riding with Case Keenum for the rest of the season. At 5-5 and losers of 4 of their last 6, it might be “Fuck it; Let’s find out” time.
But it was all on OBJ, right?
Fun Fact: Jakobi Meyers’ streak of receiving yardage without a TD catch ended at 1560 yards and 197 targets, with a fourth quarter 11-yard catch.
Patriots 45, Browns 7
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets
This, also, is how you rebound from an embarrassing loss.
Josh Allen rebounded with 366 yards and 2 TDs, supported by the Bills RB platoon supplying 139 yard and 4 TDs.¹
You members of the J-E-T-S (Same Fresh Hell) Nation looking for Mike White to supply a bit more of that fairy dust? Got bad news for ya...
Looks like you got one of them there Clint Longley-style One Hit Wonders there, folks. Expect to see the Flacco Express get one more ride next week vs. Miami.
And again, wasn’t Robert Saleh brought in to stop this kind of defensive destruction?
.
Bills 45, Jets 17.
Or were the RBs supported by Allen?
Detroit Lions @ Pittsburgh Steelers
The less said about this flaming bag of gridiron turds the better.
Literally the only good thing about this game, from any standpoint, is that it keeps Detroit from being able to reach 0-17 status. And even then, that’s bad for those of us who wanted Detroit to make negative history (again).
Lions 16, Steelers 16 (OT)
New Orleans Saints @ Tennessee Titans
And somehow, the Tennessee Titans are the AFC’s #1 seed. The Titans, sans Derrick Henry. The Titans who’ve gotten almost nothing from prized off-season acquisition Julio Jones. The Titans who were supposed to be looking up at Indy in the AFC South standings.
Those Titans.
And somehow (yet again) Alvin Kamara seems to be a bigger net loss to the Saints than Henry is to the Titans. Mark Ingram tried (14-47, 1 TD) but he’s clearly not enough. Trevor Seimien put up stats that will guarantee him a clipboard gig for at least the next three years (See: Teddy Bridgewater), most of it accrued in the fourth, when the Saints were trying to rally. Put simply, Sean Payton’s offense is designed for a playmaker, and the Saints just don’t have one without Kamara (or Michael Thomas).
Tennessee’s biggest remaining stumbling block looks to be the surging Patriots, whom they visit in two weeks. Past that it’s could-go-either-way games with the Niners and Dolphins. Past that, they’ve still got both division games with the Texans, hosting the Jaguars and visiting the Steelers. The road to the first round bye could run through Nashville, allowing for one loss among the remaining seven.
Titans 23, Saints 21
Tampa Bay Bucs @ Washington Football Team
You’d think after these two weeks full of big embarrassing upsets, the defending champs would be more on guard for a letdown. Guess not.
Mostly because I REFUSE to consider the WTF can be good enough to take down the champs.
Washington took advantage of opportunities on both sides of the ball: scoring on their first four possessions and turning Brady INTs on their second and third drives into 10 of those points. Ironically, when the WFT defense we thought we were getting all along finally shows up, Chase Young goes down for the rest of the season with a torn ACL.
At least they got this one in!
WTF 29, Bucs 19
Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals
With this game, Cam Newton officially became the second quarterback to start a Super Bowl, leave that team, and return later. Can you guess the first? Answer later below.
PJ Walker got the start, but Newton came in on goal line duty; cashing in both times: A TD run on his first touch of Round 2 in Charlotte and a TD pass to Robbie Anderson on his second. Lost in the Cam sauce was the return of Run CMC, who put in 161 scrimmage yards.
Colt McCoy must have used all his Backup QB power last week vs. San Fran: He put up 107 and a pick before getting hurt and replaced by Whodat Chris Streveler¹ (putting up a big 6 of 9 for 36).
Can’t imagine it won’t be too long before Newton (a clearly healthier Newton than the one we saw in New England last season) gets the start. With an expanded playoff format and a logjam outside of the division leaders, a Cam-led Panther squad should be in the thick of the playoff hunt.
Just so long as Cam and CMC remain healthy, of course.
ANd to answer the question: The first was The Rams’ Vince Ferragamo, who started LA’s Super Bowl XIV loss to the Steeler Dynasty in 1980², left for the CFL in ‘81 (back when jumping to the CFL for more money was still a thing), and returned in ‘82.
Panthers 34, Cardinals 10
Second year guy out of S. Dakota, in case you were wondering.
That same year, he was also the first QB to make the Super Bowl in his first year as a starter.
Another random fun fact: Out of 55 Super Bowls and 110 starting QB opportunities, 21 men occupy 68 of the slots.
Craig Morton has two of them. He’s the only man to quarterback two different teams to Super Bowls and not get a win for either one.¹
Can you name the 42 one-and-done Super Bowl QBs without the above link? Some names will surprise you.²
Tom Brady and Payton Manning being the only ones to win with multiple teams and Kurt Warner won with the Rams and lost with the Cardinals.
Minnesota Vikings @ Los Angeles Chargers
The Purple People Eaters win the battle of the Perpetually Disappointing. How much of this is due to the Vikes getting their shit together and how much is due to the Chargers’ inexplicable reluctance to take deep shots with Justin Herbert (subsequently allowing the defense to cheat up and crowd the line)? That’s up to personal opinion and/or love of the Vikings/hatred of the Los Angeles¹ Chargers.
Also, like Saleh in NYC, Brandon Staley was brought in for his defensive acumen. Yet his defenses have given up 24+ points in their last five games (a total not enhanced by the aforementioned offensive WTFery).
Or it could just be the Football Gods will continue to smite the Chargers as long as they stay where they aren’t wanted and are owned by that human trash fire, Dean Spanos.²
Vikings 27, Chargers 20
Fuck Spanos. ($1 to Urinating Tree)
Seriously, the dude is what you’d get if Donald Trump and Fackler from the Police Academy movies had a kid.
Philadelphia Eagles @ Denver Broncos
Many people point to Teddy Bridgewater clearly making a business decision on Darius Slay’s scoop-and-score as the point where this game flipped permanently to the Eagles.
And while the play was right up there with some of the most meme-able, mockable plays out there, anyone who tries to point to this as “the turning point”, clearly didn’t even see highlights of the rest of the game (or note the score as this was happening).
You guys are seriously letting Melvin Gordon (the fumbler) off the hook. Ditto for the several Broncos that had shots at Slay and whiffed.
The Eagles were feast or famine all game, either going three and out or scoring. Even if Bridgewater makes the tackle, Philly gets the ball on the Broncos 40. I do believe they don’t even think about passing in this scenario and proceed to run the ball down the (Von Miller-less) Broncos’ throat.
Y’all do recall Teddy Ballgame’s injury history, yes?
TL;DR: You let the Eagles Tebow you, Denver. One tackle on a turnover wasn’t going to change that. Though it will make it easier (and possibly more satisfying) to cut Teddy loose this offseason.
Eagles 30, Broncos 13
Seattle Seahawks @ Green Bay Packers
Here’s an intriguing match-up: Russell Wilson, freshly back from injury and ready to right the ship in Seattle. Aaron Rodgers, returning from a defacto one-game suspension for being a lying dumbass a positive COVID test. This should be a shootout, like their other encounters have been.
This turned out to be a giant pile of “WHY THE HELL IS THIS SO BORING?!?”
Seriously, the score was 3-0 into the fourth quarter.
Both QBs looked like they were stuck in a lower gear. Mr. Ciara was back from a month-long injury time-out, so some rust was to be expected. Maybe not 161 yards passing and two picks “rust”, but still. Rodgers put up technically better numbers (292 and one pick), but he looked a step slow. Kind of like Cam Newton did much of last year, when we know he was still suffering from the aftereffects of COVID-19. Could Rodgers have “Did My Own Research”-ed himself into playing the rest of the season on Hard Mode?
God, I hope so, because Fuck That Guy. [takes big swig of Haterade]
BTW, this was the first shutout of Russ’ career and the fist time Seattle’s been shut out since a 24-0 loss at Pittsburgh in Week 2 of 2011.¹
In case you were wondering, this was pre-Russ. Seahawk Legend Tavaris Jackson (20/29, 159) was under center that day.
Packers 17, Seahawks 0
(Sunday Night) Kansas City Chiefs @ Las Vegas Raiders
And just like that, the whispers stop.
Yeah, it was one game. But it was one game where the Chiefs looked like the Chiefs on offense for the first time all season. It was like they realized if they could move the ball with the short-to-medium game and cut out a lot of the bullshit by not trying to get cute and/or force the deep shots. The defense showing up for the first time all season probably helped.¹
As did Desean Jackson making his Raider debut by doing Desean things
Want to REALLY shut the haters up? Do it again this week. To the Cowboys.
And weren’t the Raiders supposed to be good or something?
Chiefs 41, Raiders 14
I absolutely DO NOT count the Packer game. Their practice squad could’ve held Jordan Love under 20.
(Monday Night) Los Angeles Rams @ San Francisco Niners
The Rams come away from this game holding the NFC West lead by default.
[checks]
Oh, wait; no they don’t! They’re behind Arizona by a game. (Two in the loss column)
In two weeks, the Rams have gone from “undisputed #1 seed in the NFC” to “free falling” Matt Stafford has thrown multiple INTs in back-to-back games (including a Pick-6 in both) and has regressed back to “Cooper Kupp or bust.” The defense acted like they couldn’t grasp the concept of “Double-team Deebo Samuel (133 scrimmage yards, 2 TDs)” or at least “jam him at the line”. And, speaking of the line(s), LA got pushed around at the point of attack all night, offense and defense. Seriously, I haven't seen that kind of bullying outside of an SEC/Sun Belt game.
Again, if you dropped me in from the past and asked me which team was the title contender and which team was one bad game from blowing it all up, I’d get it dead wrong.
Wasn’t Von Miller supposed to prevent stuff like this? Even when he lined up on the same side as Aaron Donald, the Niners handled the stunt just fine nearly every time.
I guess the Niners want to keep Trey Lance on the bench that badly.
And oh by the way: OBJ’s Rams debut netted two catches for 18 yards, on three targets. #WorthIt
Deebo Samuel 31, Rams 10
